


Bad Life Choices

by jhoono



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dick Biting, M/M, Trolls are Weird, like seriously expect dave's dick to become detached from his body, well kanaya's there for three seconds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-05
Updated: 2015-04-05
Packaged: 2018-03-21 07:19:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3683082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhoono/pseuds/jhoono
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is Dave Strider and good god are you turned on right now.</p>
<p>You probably won't be for long.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bad Life Choices

Your name is Dave Strider and good god are you turned on right now. You're practically blasting hot air like a fan on steroids, regurgitating as much good old O-two as your teenage body can manage without exploding. Karkat's on his knees in front of you, sweater discarded elsewhere (little shit had a t-shirt on underneath so you can't see the weird troll goods) and looking up at you wordlessly, bushy eyebrows furrowed just a little in both confusion and frustration, like he's trying to ask what in the fresh hell he's supposed to do without sucking it up and admitting he's confused as shit.

You, for the first time in your life, decide to give him a helpful pointer rather than condescend to him for being more extra virgin than fucking olive oil. This is partially out of the kindness of your heart, but you can also easily say that you don't really want to put off the mouth-to-dick action any more than you need to. "If you want to actually try this, a great way to start would be by, I dunno, actually unzipping my jeans."

He grits his sharp teeth, raising one side of his mouth in a little snarl that's just a little intimidating considering its proximity to your manschlong. "Well, no shit. Excuse me for trying to get past the fucking MASSIVE cultural taboo that I'm deliberately skipping over for the sake of your stupid human fantasy. Seriously, do you not realize how horribly this could go? Look at my teeth, dumbshit," Karkat says, giving this little half-smile-grimace thing that only he can pull off to show aforementioned chompers. 

They're colored like his horns are, tinting more towards yellow the further from the gums they go. And yeah, you can't help but admit that they may be significantly pokier than human teeth, but they're also infinitely nubbier than any of the other trolls on the meteor, which is a plus. You wouldn't trust Terezi's mouth near your crotch if your life depended on it.

Regardless of how obscene the act is to his weird, romcom-addicted ass, Karkat does eventually undo the button of your jeans with slightly trembling fingers, pulling down the zipper tooth by tooth like a massive fist could come out at any second and sock him in his squishy troll nose. In retrospect you probably should have gone into more detail on how human dicks looked and worked. After all, all he really knows about them is their approximate shape from your infinite illustrations of them on whatever possessions of his you could get your hands on. Though it used to be to piss him off, now it's more of an affectionate gesture.

"Listen, could you go a little faster? My peen is suffocating here, and you're not helping it with your whole 'excruciatingly slow' act," you say in a stilted voice. For fuck's sake. How hard is this to understand? The jeans you're wearing are starting to feel more like a cock prison, and all you want is Willy to be freed. Maybe Willy isn't a whale, but a metaphor for this huge drug dealer guy who... Ohthankgod.

You bite your cheek to keep in a little exhale of relief as soon as cold air rushes over your junk. This is good. Karkat gives a face, though, that isn't quite as good.

"What the shit-licking FUCK is that?" he asks, drawing his mouth into a tight line.

"Oh come on, you saw my drawings. Now you get to see it in the flesh," you reply, trying to keep the tone of hurt out of your voice. It's not like you can change how the D looks, now can you?

"I knew you were a shitty artist, but that looks NOTHING like the saggy trunkbeasts you scrawled all over everything like a meowbeast claiming its territory. It's got... hair, for starters. Does it even move?" Karkat prods it and it twitches ever so slightly, just doing its own phallic thing.

"Okay, I don't even WANT to know what's going on with your junk if it moves." You actually already know what troll junk looks like from a curious night with Terezi (she laughed for ten minutes about your 'flesh pole'), and even if you didn't get firsthand experience then you've had your fair share of lonely nights with a computer. The integrated troll and human internet from the meteor and bubbles makes for double the porn options. Or... quintuple, since there are those weird fucking quadrants that you can't quite get even with Karkat's most fervent explanations.

Back in reality, Karkat puffs his cheeks out, letting the air out slowly to keep from flipping his shit clean off the griddle. You hold back a shudder as it ends up blowing straight onto your cock, hissing a little.

You prompt him to get a move-on for the billionth time that night (it's technically three in the afternoon, but it's dark out so whatever), doubtful though it is that you'll ever actually go further than this. Stupid Karkat and his inability to get over himself for long enough to put his mouth on your personal hot dog. "Listen, if you don't want to actually do this it's all right." Wait, that's not the prompting you'd expected to come out of your mouth. Whatever, a reassurance to make sure you aren't pushing him into this is always good. Consent is sexy, folks.

"Oh, shut up, will you?" His breath is warm against your intimate bits, and you can't help but notice that he's inched closer towards it while you were busy caught up in your own mind. Hey, maybe he's going to actually put his mouth on it sometime this year.

A tense moment of silence passes, and you're just about to give up hope when he closes his eyes and suddenly leans in, going for the gold. His weird troll tongue is a little bit too dry, somewhat sandpapery against your sensitive skin almost like it's a cat's tongue dragging along your jizz-rifle instead of a squishy troll with anger issues and a really nice ass.

"Hooooly shit," you manage, a little pre already making an appearance. Karkat doesn't seem to notice, instead licking up your cock like it's ice cream or some shit. You're going to admit that it feels ridiculously good, but at the same time it's just a little too dry and with how repetitive he's being with that sandpaper tongue your penis is starting to get a little sore. Your voice forces out a little, "Wait, stop," before you can stop it from escaping. God dammit.

Karkat pulls away immediately, making this expression like he was just caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Wait, even more guilty. Maybe his expression could be better compared to someone caught with their bulge in the cookie jar, screaming slightly incorrect lyrics to Spice Girls. Yeah, that was a sufficiently horrified expression. "What happened? Are you all right?" His voice sounds panicked beyond belief, and it's a little nice to know that your very first blowjob is going to be given by someone who's actually concerned for his bro's well being.

"Hey, I'm fine. Calm your tits. Your tongue is just hells of dry and scratchy against my poor, poor junk. It'd be great if we could maybe take a minute to find some, I don't know... lubricant? Since you seem to have, like, no spit at all," you answer, pushing your jeans down to your mid-thigh as you talk now that your penis isn't actively being attended to. The fabric had really started to bunch awkwardly under your ass, and if Karkat weren't right there you'd be shucking your pants off and throwing them as far away from you as possible. Fucking pants, ruining the mood. Well, Karkat's tongue was also ruining the mood.

"Lubricant? God, your species is lame as shit. You can't even fuck properly without needing assistance from an external source," Karkat says in this cocky tone.

"At least we can reproduce without needing to literally store our fluids in buckets and throw them into a bug blender in order to get anything done," you spit back in a defensive tone, pushing up the shades which were starting to slide down your nose.

"Please tell me you actually have some lubricant nearby, I'm not going to go across the meteor just so I can suck your stupid human bulge. You'll have to attend to it on your own."

"Owch, you're a cruel little man, you know that?" you say, "But I was thinking, since trolls basically are mainly comprised of genetic material in their lower regions, you could just use some of that on me?"

Karkat genuinely flinches a little at the recommendation, narrowing his eyes at you. "What the FUCK is wrong with you!? I'm not going to emphasize this enough, NO. That's... That's so horrifically depraved, it's a bona-fide miracle I didn't puke all over your skin rod as the words dripped out of your mouth in the first place."

"Hey, it was just a suggestion."

All of a sudden, Karkat's eyes get this little glint in them and you can practically see the little lightbulb over his head flickering on. "Wait, I think I have an idea. Take your shirt and cape off," he practically orders.

"Wow, someone's pushy," you mutter under your breath, complying anyways because you're curious about what he's got in store. You carefully remove the cape, trying to keep your shades and hair as un-fucked as possible. Your shirt goes immediately afterwards, leaving you only in your shades and your jeans. To be entirely honest you feel more than just a little exposed right now, especially with Karkat looking your chest over like it's some foreign thing. It isn't, anyways, since he's seen you shirtless on a couple of occasions. His scrutiny isn't making you feel any more fucking confident, though, and you kick his side gently to make him quit it.

"Okay..." he mumbles to himself like he's about to try a tricky stunt before opening his mouth, making this weird half-swallowing noise, and _ew what the fuck_.

Your entire lower half is covered in spit, and you bite back the reflex to gag. "What... What just happened," you say in the deadpan you have reserved for when you're feeling the most horrified. It's everywhere, and it's mucous-y, and you don't even know what to fucking say right now. You've never been more disgusted in your entire fucking life.

"Oh, shut up. It's a defense mechanism that trolls have."

"And WHY, exactly, did you decide that defending yourself against my vulnerable, naked body was the best thing to do? This is the bedroom, not a goddamn forest. Do I LOOK like a cholerbear to you?" Your voice is shaking, not because you're especially pissed or scared. Mostly you're just confused, grossed out, and still pretty damned horny.

"Shh!" he forces through his teeth obnoxiously forcefully, leaning forward with renewed confidence and licking up your dick again, this time with something actually there to help his tongue's journey. This time it's less of a torture device and more of an interesting texture, and you can't help the little shiver that trickles down your spine as he reaches the head of your penis, opening his mouth and finally, fucking _finally_ taking in your head.

Your hands ball into fists, nails digging into your palms as he continues lowering himself down, careful to avoid letting his teeth brush even slightly against your delicate fertility flute. His tongue adds this perfect feeling to the underside, and when his hands move down to rub your balls and the areas his mouth can't reach you can't help but let slip a little moan. And it seems like Karkat's into that, judging by the noise he gives in kind, sending vibrations through your entire lower half.

Your hands occupy themselves quickly, moving almost frantically into Karkat's knotty hair and tangling their fingers into it. You don't pull or anything out of courtesy, but then amidst the pleasurable haze your mind is going through you get a little idea of your own. That night with Terezi helped you pick up one or two things, one of which was that troll horns were a 'hell fucking yes' region. So it only makes sense for you to remove your hands from his hair, tweaking at his nubs and tightening your grip around them.

That, of course, is the worst thing you could possibly do to a troll with sharp teeth which are just millimeters away from your most valued organ.

Karkat's reaction is instantaneous. His entire body goes rigid, freezing up as his mouth slams shut. Where his mouth slams shut, of course, is the most unfortunate place in the entire goddamn universe. It takes a moment for you to genuinely comprehend what's happened, but when you look down at Karkat's shocked face and see his chin dripping with bright red, it all clicks at once.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" is the first thing you can manage to scream, the pain searing through your lower half with more intensity than you'd ever experienced before. Dying had nothing on this shit.

Karkat follows your example immediately, your severed dick falling out of his mouth and on his lap in a manner which would be funny to anyone watching from a distance. Okay, not really. It's horrifying through and through, like some sort of grotesque fuckuppery fractal which just shows more levels of messed up shit the closer you magnify the image. You don't really know what to do, but your legs manage something pretty well, flailing spastically and shoving Karkat the hell _away_ from you. Oh god, oh god.

"F-SHIT 'M SO SORRY OH MY GOD FUCK," Karkat starts, his voice escalating in volume with every word he utters. Of course, it doesn't nearly match yours in loudness. You are too busy screeching your ass off about your _DICK WHICH WAS JUST BITTEN OFF_ to notice other things going on, like Kanaya opening the door and adding to the cacophony of screaming as soon as she sees the situation.

Tears are streaming down your face, dripping down your cheeks and past your shades. It seems like Karkat's got roughly the same idea, backing away from you with horror and screaming bloody murder anew once he realizes that the top half of your penis rolls off his legs as he stands up to get help which has already arrived and is panicking too.

You don't stop screaming until you're out of breath and you feel like your throat is going to tear, blinded by rage and horror and excruciating pain _why won't the pain stop you're never getting better again ever ever_.

It's a good thirty seconds later that you finally manage to open your eyes enough to look down at what you're sure is going to be the most horrific sight you could ever possibly witness. However, through the blur of tears and snot, you can see that your thighs are perfectly dry and your penis, your _poor, sweet, dear penis that you wouldn't give up for anything in the world_ is miraculously intact. Karkat has come to the same realization, still covered in the aftermath of what had to be the most botched blowjob in all of timespace.

Your mouth opens and closes like you're a fish out of water as you try to get some words out of your aching and protesting throat, the last colorful wisps of god tier magic dissipating into the air, and it's just then that you realize that Kanaya's been standing there and looking at you both with the most horrified expression for the past five minutes. Somehow, the room is silent save for choked sobs coming from Karkat and awkward sniffles coming from you, and it's then that Kanaya closes the door, probably so that she can pretend like it never happened. You're not going to be able to look her in the eye for a month.

"I'm so fucking sorry," is all Karkat manages to choke between shaking gasps for breath, his face scrunched and covered in blood and tears. He pushes himself up shakily, absconding out of the room without another word and slamming the door behind himself, leaving you alone. Your dick is still on the floor, lying there like a final reminder of what could have been, and though you know that you've managed to recover a penis you also know just as well that it'll never be the same.

You're not leaving your room ever again.

**Author's Note:**

> i would like to apologize
> 
> okay, i've apologized


End file.
